A few years ago, when I was pregnant with my third child and I had a paying job, I went on a business trip to Salt Lake City. I hadn’t told anyone at work I was pregnant yet. In Salt Lake, I met Erica, a colleague that I had previously only had contact with via phone and email. But we liked each other and had talked enough to already have a small friendship. I knew Erica’s real passion was her “inner-eye”. She was a self-proclaimed mystic and I thought she was neat.
When we were alone in a conference room she said, “I will tell you your secret and then tell you mine.”
“Uh… ok?” I replied, confused.
“You have two auras right now” Erica said, “Have you told anyone at work yet?”
I was floored. She knew I was pregnant! I was only 8-10 weeks and not showing at all. “Holy shit! No, I haven’t!”
“I won’t say anything. Do you want to know? Do you want to know the sex?”
“You can see that?”
“Yes. Do you want me to tell you?”
I couldn’t help it. I had to know what she would say. “It’s a boy." She continued, "The second aura is male.”
However, before we both left the boring world of intellectual property law, we met up one more time when she came to the home office. This time, Erica asked me if I wanted to do a past-life hypnosis with her. “A what?” I asked. Basically she would hypnotize me and take me back through my memories all the way to birth and “beyond” to see if there were any memories from before. Let me stop you here to let you know what my teenage son said with a knowing twinkle in his eye when he heard this, “That doesn’t sound very Catholic, mom.” Nope. No it doesn’t.
Anyway, I said yes. She made it sound very non-threatening for me. I didn't have to believe in it. I didn't have to think it was real. I could just think it was dreams or made up stuff in my mind, but if I learned something interesting it was worth it for both of us. That sounded fine to me.
I sat on the couch with my eyes closed at another coworkers house who was also game. Erica starting speaking and telling me to picture a light a follow it. She directed me to picture various stages of my life and continue to follow the light through time. Her voice started to fade and memories came into and out of focus. It was peaceful and chaotic at the same time. I was still following the light. Erica's far away voice told me to picture my birth. All I saw was brightness and then darkness and then the light again. I was still following the light and there were no more memories but I felt like I was moving fast. It was like driving at high speed through a dark tunnel that I had never driven through before.
The tunnel ended, the light disappeared, and Erica's voice was gone. All there was was trees. Trees were everywhere. It was warm and woodsy and I felt at home and comfortable. I was walking through the forest, light- footed and happy. My feet were calloused inside my leathery shoes, my skin tone was different and my hair long and dark. But it was all mine, the body felt comfortable.
I felt like I had spent most of the day alone in the woods and was walking home. I didn't know where that was but I knew we were going there. I was weirdly both passenger and driver and I just went with it. Suddenly there were people. Everyone vaguely looked the same. They were all busy working but I was still light-footed and happy. No one talked to me. Some people looked up and smiled at me as I passed, some looked at me and were stern. I didn't care either way. I had such a free heart, it was as light as my feet. I saw a man in the distance eating and looking out towards me. Even though he was older and sitting I could see his large stature and stately dress. I knew him and I picked up my pace to get to him.
But before I got there, before I could even see his face clearly, the memories shifted and I was laying down on a bed. It was dark with an orangey glow inside a round structure filled with faces looking at me. They were the same kind of faces from before, all vaguely similar like a huge extended family; men, women, children, I knew them all. I was aware that I was old... and dying. Some of the faces were weeping, some looked anxious, some wore a stoic face, some were confused. I felt fine, kind of content and at peace, a little sorry to go and a little looking forward to it. I smiled at the people around me, and I could feel my weathered face crinkling and was aware of how tiring it was to even do that.
There was a drum beat. It was strong and rhythmic and outside my heart. I became aware that this woman had a heavy heart as well, filled with secrets she was taking to with her. I listened to the drum and could feel her concentrating on it while she looked at the people gathered around her. She could feel the beat in her body and as she let it take over, her heart got lighter until she felt like she was walking, carefree and light-footed again. The secrets stayed behind, lost in the beat.
The rhythmic drum ended and I could feel the couch beneath me again. I sat for a bit before I opened my eyes. When I did, there was Erica casually watching me. She smiled at me knowingly and I felt a little exposed. "What did you see?" she asked. I told her about the Native American woman, the village, the stately man, and the death scene. I started out apprehensively, kind of like I was telling a crazy story. But Erica listened like it was perfectly normal, "It sounds like you were someone important to that tribe, like a Chief's daughter." "I know." I replied, "But there is no way I'm going home and telling my husband that I saw myself as an Indian Princess in a past life. I will never hear the end of it. 'OH! (dripping with sarcasm) Your an Indian Princess now?!?! No wonder you think you don't have to do any housework!'"
When I got to the death scene Erica leaned in a little closer. She said people don't usually see deaths in past-life memories and she had a lot of questions for me. I told it her it wasn't a dramatic death. It was the death we all hope for... old and well-lived and surrounded by people who love us. I had the impression that she had had many children, and thus many grandchildren and maybe great-children. There were husbands of daughters and wives of sons, all present and all knew her well. Her own husband was long gone and she had done everything expected of a well-born woman in the tribe. She had lived long and strong and justly. She had known all the greats... great pain and great love, great happiness and great sorrow, great decisions and great fate. And I knew at that moment, watching this woman die, that these are the things that make a life "great".
I thought about this experience for a long time after and I still think about it today. It's difficult for me because I don't really believe in this stuff and as my son pointed out, it's not very Catholic. So, I've kind of married the two in my brain. That somehow God had taken my hand and led me on this journey and showed me a woman with whom I could see human strength in a pretty basic and uncomplicated life. That pain and secrets and heavy hearts are part of the human condition and that when it's over you leave it behind. And even though these people were not monotheistic, God was still there. He was in that spiritual drum beat comforting this woman and welcoming her to walk happy and light-footed to Him.
I was thinking about this woman and my secrets as I stared out the window of the garage while my car was getting it's oil changed. David and Brody were running around playing. I was lost in thought and not paying attention as usual. One of them knocked over a small tire display and I was brought back to my reality. I quickly switched gears and gently reprimanded them while we put the tires back. Then I sat and played with them. We smiled and laughed. I let them get drinks from the water cooler a hundred time because they think the handle spout is fun.
Brody spilled water on the floor while I was doing something with David. The garage manager, Ricci came over with paper towels and was already quietly cleaning up the water when finally saw him. "Oh, jeez. I'm sorry. I didn't even know. You don't have to clean it up, I can do it." "I know you can, Mami", replied Ricci, "But I wanted to do it for you. Come on over with me, your car is done and the bill is ready. Let's get you out of here."
I followed him over and he continued to talk. "You remind me of my mom back in Puerto Rico, and the other moms there when we were all kids. They would laugh and smile and play but if you caught one in a quiet moment, when they thought no one was looking, you could see the seriousness of them. They were always keeping something, protecting someone even if no one really needed protection. But they always knew how to live, how to enjoy life, how to show everyone it's ok to have joy and sadness, ya' know?" "Yeah, Ricci, I know what you mean." I had brought my car to him for years, but this was the first time I had really seen him, yet I got the impression he had been seeing me for a while.
"People aren't strong like that anymore." He continued. "They don't have good examples of how people are. I try to remember my mom when I have heavy stuff to think about and I have a lot of that. You do too, I know." "Yes." I said simply, still looking at him deeply. He continued, "People get consumed with hard stuff too quickly. You can't let that shit happen. You have to keep living life. People like you and me, Leah, we're like the last of the Mohicans." I smiled at him and thought, "More than you know, Ricci, more than you know..."
