Let's say I was out to a family dinner with my parents, brothers and their wives. My brother kept asking people for their food and trying to give it to his 2 year. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, was annoyed by it because she had ordered food for the baby and it was on it's way. Let's say I grabbed a bunch of French fries (I wouldn't have... I would have already been in tune to my SIL's annoyance and there is no way I would take my brother's side, even though he is an excellent father, on anything having to do with their children.) and started to pass it down to the table to the 2 year old, and my SIL said, "No, Leah, he really doesn't need any more French fries." My hand would have stopped. I would have said, "Ok, no problem." The French fries would go back where they came from and I would have gone on with my dinner.
This is not what would have happened. I wouldn't have given her a weird look back. And when she firmly held my gaze, I would not have dared to open my big mouth and say, "Well, is he starving?" No, He isn't starving. He is a well fed child. "Well, my brother is worried about it!" Then when all she was left to do was roll her eyes in exasperation at 12 years of pushy in-law interfence, I wouldn't have started talking fast about her "rolling her eyes and that everyone is uncomfortable." Seriously, none of this would have happened because I know my place as a SIL and would have stayed in it. The French fry debate would have remained a cute, funny issue between my brother and his wife because that's where it belongs, with that couple over their child. It's not a debate for brother, wife, and SIL. It's my job as a SIL to stay out of it. My job is to not add more French fries to the fire and it's certainly not my job to talk back to the mother of that child. My job is to continue eating and act like I don't even know what's going on because I would appreciate the same if the table was turned.
Now, to be honest, I have a lot of experience at being an in-law to people. My sister got married when I was 7, my first brother got married when I was 16, and my 2nd brother got married when I was 21. I am used to my siblings bringing new and different personalities, view-points, and parenting styles into my family and by now I have been around these additions for a long time. In fact, they aren't considered additions anymore, they are my true-blue family.
How does this work? How does one be a good in-law to someone? Here is my basic premise: Whenever you have the feeling that you are accepting someone into your family it is your job to make them comfortable in their new situation. It's not a new situation for you. You have been in your family for your entire life. All you have to deal with is this new person, they have to deal with a whole situation. And you do this on an individual basis, and if everyone does their part, a good relationship with the new person is established. I have a good relationship with my brother's wife because I made it my job to make her feel safe around me.
She is safe in talking to me, confiding in me, that I won't be critical or judgmental, that I won't talk about her to other family members or tell what she says, safe in knowing that I basically know my place in her and my brother's life. And that place is a far second, third, fourth, 20th, to her and her relationship with my brother and their children.
And this extends beyond confrontational meetings over dinner. When I call their house or email them, I almost always ask to talk to her about things relating to their family or schedule. I don't get involved in things about my brother that are he and/or his wife's job, like pestering him about health decisions, what clothing he needs, what suit color he should buy, how much sleep he gets, or his nutrition. At family functions or dinners I spend more time talking to SIL. This is very natural now... we laugh and joke and share secrets, and her children see that Aunt Leah has a good, kind, loving relationship with their mother. That is a huge point in all of this.
If my nieces and nephews were to see their mother feeling uncomfortable, stressed, and sad around me, that would be terrible. They would grow up knowing that Aunt Leah makes Mommy sad and Daddy annoyed and that would greatly hinder my relationship with them. What kid feels comfortable around someone hurting their mother? None. So, also for those kids sake, I make it my job to have a good relationship with BOTH of their parents.
My other SIL is an ex-SIL now. Her marriage to my brother only lasted about six years, but that's ok. It was still a very real and important relationship and I have a niece from it. This SIL was a little more difficult for me. She was very different from me and I had a much harder time relating to her. Still, I tried my best. I made it my job to know what she did and didn't like, what made her stressed, what would upset her, etc. I didn't write her off as a "nut" and just walk around like my shit doesn't stink. Or throw down a bunch of cosmo's (or whatever lame, fake martini thing) and get confrontational. No fucking way. She was my brother's wife and niece's mother and that alone garnered my respect and patience, and basically my mouth remaining closed... a lot. It was really no skin off my back. I didn't see her that often... a day here or there on holidays or family gatherings. I could eat my words and be friendly during that time and pay attention that I wasn't upsetting her. It was really not hard. It would have been harder on everyone if I just did or said what I wanted and pissed her off. I still side with her on things and it was kind of a messy, painful divorce that might make it easy to jump on a "I hate everything she does" bandwagon. But just read my "The Ghost of Christmas Past" blog. That whole thing was started because I stuck up for my ex-SIL on a parenting issue.
Just like real outlaws, in-laws become outlaws by their own actions, their own indifference, their own selfishness, and sometimes from traumatic childhood issues. Basically the fast track to looking like a smooth criminal is to maliciously lack understanding, patience, and the ability to keep your mouth closed and give relationship space. I don't care if you think she's a nut, she's your brother's nut and he and his kids love her. She is paramount in his and his kid's lives, and that's that. Don't dwell in a land of misty memories of what fun you had as children and mourn the fact that your sibling has grown older, a little different, and chose a life partner that you wouldn't. Don't be resentful that your sibling sides with his partner or values her opinions or judgments. That's the way it should be. If done right, the bond that your sibling creates with his wife and kids will be stronger and different than any bond he had with his siblings. And that's ok. That's a healthy thing.
Support your siblings relationship, whatever that means for them. If it means your SIL likes more space and privacy then don't get involved if you haven't been asked, and do your best to make your in-law feel safe in "your" family. That is your job and if you do it right, it will become natural.
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